after the fear, the ease
revising old stories
I am in a lifelong conversation with myself, and one current conversation topic is that some stories I had about myself simply were not true. Two recent examples:
I was so sure that sharing my face online would be Bad, but it’s actually fine.
I was so sure that experiencing my biggest fear would be Bad, but it’s actually fine.
I have come to understand through these experiences that I am not afraid of taking up space. I am not afraid of having hard conversations. I am not afraid of owning the impact of my words and my actions and my blindspots on others. If someone wants to yell at me for being me, that’s fine. If I feel that it is my responsibility to apologize and share what I have learned about how to behave differently moving forward, then I will do so. And if it’s not my responsibility, then I won’t.
I am dancing a beautiful dance between a pattern of pleasing people and accepting that, more often than never, I will cause harmful impact on people I care about, people I cherish, people I love. That’s heavy to me. That hurts. I don’t want that to be true. But denying reality hurts more than facing reality, and I want to choose the lesser hurt.
The wonderful other half of my ownership of my capacity to cause harm is that I am much more comfortable and grounded in my body, much more relaxed and at ease energetically, much more present and loving emotionally. It is so relaxing to know that I trust myself to do what the moment calls for in any situation. Fundamentally, I’ve got me, and so I have no resistance to sharing what’s alive in me every day this month. I feel every feeling, I show up to every task, I enjoy every connection.
Through the experiences of revising those stories about myself, my nervous system has shifted. I have the capacity to take on more. I want more. Give me more.
I am halfway through sharing a vlog every day this month on my YouTube channel. Subscribe to follow along with the drama of whether I will make the background any prettier and also for insightful ideas.
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the over picture, very interesting blend with the article.
raw and true. nothing i enjoy reading more.